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The Dandruff Foundation/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW They say there's going to be a big snowstorm tonight, which means that if I want to go anywhere tomorrow, I'll have to shovel out the driveway, and of course I'll have a heart attack, and that'll lead to a big argument with my wife about adequate insurance coverage. So to avoid all that I've hooked up a rig here, which I think is absolutely brilliant. Laid down a couple of sheets of marine plywood, and I got this rope running from the centres up through these pulleys on the sides of the garage, down to this little ramp here. Now, just imagine if this was all covered with snow. Let me show you what happens. [ cheering and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Easy. Yeah, boy, I appreciate that. Well, I had a bit of a discovery this week, up at the lodge. Apparently if you're a club like we are, and you associate yourself with a charity of some kind, you get all sorts of treats from the government. I mean, they will give us tax refunds and grants, and they'll stop trying to close the lodge and stop trying to send us all up to baffin island. So, uh, we've been in touch with a bunch of charities. So far no luck. They're all saying they don't need the money, quite that bad. Hey, red, looks like we got ourselves a charity. Yeah. Great. Which one? Red cross, salvation army, daughters of the empire, maybe? Yeah, right. No, red, this is one of the lesser known charities. It's the dandruff foundation. The dandruff foundation? Well, that's kind of a let down; although, you'd make a great poster boy, I'm thinking. No, it's a real dedicated group, red. Have you heard their campaign slogan? It's all on our shoulders. And all they need from the lodge is a cheque for $500.00. Pardon me? $500.00 is the minimum donation that will qualify us as an affiliated partner. We don't have that kind of money. Do you think they'd accept a '73 k-car as payment? Maybe, if you put 500 bucks in the glove compartment. Where are we going to come up with that kind of cash, guys? Well, why don't we sell peanuts of chocolates, door-to-door like some of them other charities? You know a lot of people will pay two bucks for a 50-cent candy bar just to get you off their property. Now, you tell me what kind of candy you want, 'cause I know a guy who can get all the stuff real cheap. It isn't mike, is it? No, no, mike gets all his stuff free. I know, he steals it from my store. No, the guy I'm talking about imports everything from china. Oh, chinese chocolate bar. Sweet-and-sour snickers? It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheering and applause ] and today's prize is this aluminum bucket from big bob's bucket boutique. All others "pail" by comparison. Hey, gord, you gotta cover your ears now. Gord! Oh, right. Sorry. Okay, mr green, you've got 30 seconds to get ranger gord to say this word... Yeah, alright, mike. And go! Okay, gord, working by yourself up here at the fire tower, makes you feel... Omnipotent. I would doubt that. Sometimes I feel I'm adrift on a sea of evil, with only my animal cunning and mighty physique for protection. I just said a lot of words there, red. Are you sure it wasn't in there, somewhere? No, it wasn't in there. Okay, no, this is something that you feel when no one else is around. [ laughter ] that's a little private, red. No, no. I know -- okay. When you haven't seen other people for a long time, you get... An inflatable friend. Oh, no, no. Almost out of time, mr green. Okay, mike. Okay. There was a big hit song for paul anka, "I'm just a something boy." cabin? No. No. Okay, gord, what is the worst part about being up here in a fire tower all by yourself? Oh, well, sometimes I wake up in the morning with my nose filled with mosquitoes. So I'd have to say mosquitoes. They're pretty bad. Still, they keep my from getting too lonely. Hey! [ ringing bell ] [ applause ] hi, winston rothschild here, of rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. If roses are orange and violets are black, it sounds like your septics are way out of whack. Today on talking animals, local animal control officer, ed frid, is going to teach us all about leeches. C'mon. Come on up here, ed. It's safe. They're in a bucket. Although I can understand your hesitancy. I mean, these things are ugly, black, disgusting worms, and they stick on you and suck your blood, right? Yeah. That's part of it. Plus they have 32 brains. No, I'm not kidding. Every leech has 32 little brains. Sounds like a lodge meeting. So what do you say, folks? You wanna see a leech or not? [ cheering and applause ] if you go on the internet you can see lots of pictures of leeches there. Or visit your local bait shop. Come on, ed. You brought in a whole bucket. Just get out one leech. That's all I'm asking, eh? Come on. All right. All right, okay. I'm going to try and get one out here. Oh! Didn't get one sorry. They're quick. They're very quick, yeah. I think there's one on your arm there. Yeah. Oh boy! Oh, that's a big one oh my. And it's getting bigger! I think it's tapped into an artery there. At this point, you have a couple of choices. You could put salt on the leech. Red, would you happen to have any salt handy? Please. Here's some salt. Yeah, I've got some. Oh, boy. You know what? I think you're just making his thirsty. Oh, yeah. Okay. No, problem. Oh, geez, I'm losing a lot of blood. Can I have a cigarette? Uh, no, but I can get you a blindfold. No, burning them with a lit cigarette is an effective way of getting rid of leeches. Oh, I don't smoke. Maybe we should rush you to a bingo hall. You know, everybody enjoys fireworks on a summer's night. They can be expensive, and some stores won't sell them to you on a buy now pay later deal. Or maybe they've been warned about you by the local authorities. So this time, on handyman corner, I'm going to show you how you can make your own fireworks display using an old radio and a bunch of screen doors. This is a tube radio. I'm sure you young people don't know what that is. But in my day, we had to turn these babies on, let them warm up before they'd work. That's how people in my generation learned to be patient. Kids today, they just expect everything to turn on immediately, that can be a real problem during a honeymoon, I'll tell you. Now, we're going to take the radio apart, because all we need is the transformer, which is this heavy thing used to step up the voltage. It does that by induction. I'm not quite sure what that is, but I've heard of people being inducted. I'm sure it's very similar. Another thing you got to watch for is the capacitors. A capacitor can hold a charge of several thousand volts long after a unit is unplugged. Now, is that a capacitor, or is that just a resistor? I think I've just been inducted. Okay, I've got my transformer out of there, and I've attached the output to my wall of screen doors. I've got a wire on each side. I figure I've got about 100,000 volts running through these babies. I threw away the welcome mats that came with them. I didn't want to send out a false message. Now, all I got to do is get myself comfortable. Somewhere where I'll have a good view. This ought to be perfect right over here. There we go. Now all I have to do is plug in my transformer and wait for the fireworks to start. Oh, I know. Forgot to turn on my lantern. You need that to attract the bugs. ( coughing ) that one smelled like a bat. You know, I know there are a lot of factors that go into making up a human being. But the main one has to be chemistry. And for a man the main chemical ingredient has got to be testosterone. I mean, you take an average man and you greatly reduce the testosterone in there, and you'll either get an ugly woman or a guy who walks funny and works in a harem. Now, I know there are other chemicals involved. You got a tablespoon of bile; you got a six-pack of barley; you got a cubic foot of b.S.; and a tank full of gas. But the main one is testosterone. So we've got to be real concerned when we see negative messages about testosterone; for example, animals being neutered. Okay, I understand the rationale about taking a pig and lopping off his private parts to fatten him up. You know, the concept being he'll eat more when he has nothing better to think about. But, now, getting your dog fixed to make him more manageable, that's a dangerous precedent. I'm thinking the odd time you've probably chased a car. Maybe barked at a neighbour. Might've even have left a little mess on the floor sometimes. The last thing you want is for your wife to look at you and then glance over at the friendly, manageable family dog and start getting crazy ideas, huh! Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in the together. Hi, I'm winston rothschild from rothschild's sewage and septic sucking services. If you're blushin' from all the flushin', I'll come rushin' to stop the gushin'. This dandruff foundation is kind of interesting. Started by two guys who had similar problems and put their heads together. Probably a couple of flakes. Red, got the chinese candies for us to sell! We got a deal on them too! What kind of candy is it? You know, I think it's a type of licorice. They have real unusual ingredients over there, so this is little different licorice then we're used to around here. The colour looks okay. How does it taste? Oh, oh. Good, fine. Yeah, they don't look bad. I've seen a lot worse stuff. Although, I don't work at the the input side of things. [ laughter ] well, uh, guys, you know if we're going to sell these to the public, we better taste them first. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, we could do that. Nobody. To start first? So, who wants well, we have to do it together. That's all there is to it. Fair is fair. All right. Okay, sure. Fine. Those are chewy. I like them. It's sort of an unusual flavour. What is that? It's a chinese taste. It's either soy sauce or firecrackers. How much do you think we should charge people for a box of these things? Oh, we got to get two bucks a box. As long as we don't let them taste them first. I think we'd better go five bucks, 'cause we don't have many potential customers, and there's going to be no repeat business. You figured you asked all the right questions. Can I help you with anything? Are you sure? You need? Is there anything are you sure you're sure? Then, you made the biggest mistake of your life. You took her at her word. See, she figures it's obvious she needs some help. You figure, you asked, she said no, you're off the hook, right? Now the thermostat just went down 25 degrees. "no, I'm fine," didn't mean, "no, I'm fine." that's 'cause she said it like, "no, I'm not fine." see, she expects you to listen to the way she says the words, not just the words. You figured just listening was a big step forward, never mind interpreting. And let's face it, you're not getting any more sensitive. So here's a rule of thumb... If she locks herself alone in the bathroom weeping, that means she said the exact opposite of what she meant. So your excuse has to be you meant the exact opposite of what you said. See, men and women have been sending each other that kind of misinformation since the dawn of time. It's called communicating. Don't thank us. That's what friends are for. Had a bit of a tennis match out by the lodge there. Two against two. A three-point game there. A lot of sportsmanship involved, and dalton's going to be the umpire for us. Mike's ready and walter can really fire that baby, and then right through and off the back and it's in, it's in. That's a point. That's a point. We got that one. Little argument there. Won't do you any good. He saw it was in. Well, hang on, mike. Don't do that. Well, there you go. All right, serve again. Now, watch this. Walter can really put a spin on a ball. Watch the spin on this baby. Now -- look, they think the big one's coming. That's right, get back. Get back. Back up. Back up. Back up. Oh, too far. Too far. Come back. There you go. Put some spin on her, walter. Put some spin on her. Give her a good slice. Look at this. Just died. Just died. That's another point. That's two. One more point to go. We got ourselves -- yeah, that was good. It was good. Oh, oh. It won't do you any good. Nope, leave the ump alone. Oh, that's gotta hurt. That's gotta hurt. No, I don't think winston did it, somehow. All right, point three. This is game set match. A high one. Oh, it's a high one. No, no, not yet. Wait a minute. There we go. Got her. Got her. And that's out. That's a game. That's a game. We got her. Way to go. Way to go, walter. We nailed her. And great umping there, dalton. Mike and winston are so losers, which is unfortunate. Today on up close and personal, we're going to meet explosives enthusiast, edgar montrose. Get a chance to look at the man behind the powder burns. Edgar, maybe you could take us back to the beginning, when you were growing up as a kid. Oh, yeah. Well, red, my father was an accountant, and my mom was a librarian. It was a very quiet house, up until my seventh birthday. That's when I got the chemistry set. Was it a large house, edgar? Well it got a little smaller that day. So you started experimenting with explosives at a very early age. I would say so. I kind of lost track of time there. I'd blow something up, and then it might take a while before I regained consciousness. But I got right back at it. I was curious to know where things go when they explode. And where do they go? A long way. Once I filled my bicycle handlebars with dynamite. When I set that off it blew my horn halfway to port asbestos. You know, you can get hurt having that kind of fun, edgar. Oh, I didn't do it for fun, red. It was educational. I learned a lot. For example, I learned that an explosive is very strong, stronger than, say, a finger. Oh, boy. That must have been painful. Oh, yeah. They said they might have been able to reattach the finger after the explosion, but it took too long to come down. You know, personally I would never mess around with dynamite. That's 'cause you have no idea what you're doing, red. I'm an artist. When somebody wants their house moved, I can move that unit right off the foundation and stand it up on one corner while the plumbing drains and then lay it sideways on a flatbed truck. And I'll tell you, you haven't seen beauty until you've seen a 60-foot maple tree bouncing end-over-end through a canadian sunset. All right, edgar. Just a second. We don't want to be sending out the wrong message here, so to wrap it up why don't you just look right into the camera give a little bit of advice to any of the youngsters that are watching us? All right. I'm just kidding. That was a little insincere, I think, don't you? Okay. Don't fool around with any type of explosives. You need lots of training to work with explosives, and you need a special permit, which you can only get by passing a rigorous government test. And why don't you show them what the permit looks like? [ applause ] well, licorice sales have not been brisk. I haven't sold any. I don't think winston's sold any. Dalton sold 10 boxes to moose thompson. But, hey, with moose, if you put enough hot sauce on it, he'd eat a garden shed. You know I kinda like this licorice. I must be getting used to it. Well, you're married to anne-marie. I think you could get used to anything, dalton. Hey, you guys. I think I've figured out why we're having so much trouble selling this licorice. Because it's expensive and tastes like asphalt? No, no. I was trying to sell this stuff door-to-door, and there was this chinese exchange student staying at buster hadfield's place. He took one look at this box and said, "those letters don't say licorice." well, what do they say? Earrings. Red, we're in a lot of trouble here. We could be charged. Well, how could we be charged? As accessories. Oh, come on. I don't feel so good. You know your trouble? You don't look good with earrings. What do we do now? We do nothing. We keep our mouths shut. We can't go back to the same customers and sell them these candies as jewellery now. Well how are we going to get that $500 to the dandruff foundation? We're not going to get it to them. They've got dandruff. They can find their own scratch. [ possum squealing ] away you go. Well, meeting time. This is so great, isn't it? Boy, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting and I'm bringing you a great gift, 50 boxes of earrings all lefts. And I know the guys who left them. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of the whole gang up here at possum lodge. Keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] sit down, everybody. Sit. Sit. Sit. Come on in and sit down. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, men, the dandruff foundation has a little research project going. So if any of you have dandruff they would like you to give them your head after you pass on, or you can send it over now, if you're not using it. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com